BYE! :}

this happened:


two days later, this happened:


and now i have to go to a model call.
see you.

 haha please just stop telling me what you think i want to hear and tell me the truth. thank you.

i  am going to be 18 in 30 days.

 I MISS YOU! I MISS YOU! I MISS YOU!

I miss everything. i miss seeing you all the time. i miss all the things we used to do. i miss the way you look. i miss... you.

how dare you ever call me promiscuous. how dare you. i bet you dont even know how deeply that hurts me. i never even meant to hurt you. you cant take it back. 

you do not even respect my space or even my stuff. i dont understand where you come off saying i dont respect yours.

just stay out of my way for a while, if you can.
i'll be respectful if thats what you want.

I HAVE BEEN AVOIDING EVERYONE.

I AM PUSHING EVERYONE AWAY.
I DONT KNOW WHY.

KEEP PUSHING, PLEASE.

I MISS YOU.

4 days.

10 days.

im so utterly alone. im nothing without him. he is my everything. im falling apart.

i feel like everyone has left me behind. i have neglected them for so long that they dont need me anymore.
and its true. because everyone is perfectly happy with the way things are and i was. but now that he isn't here to fill in time i have nothing. utterly nothing. sure i have the most important ones, janeen and katie walker texts me every so often but i dont think anyone else notices me. im not in their lives enough to even consider picking up the phone and inviting me. im out of the picture, cut out. its okay. i guess, im just going to have to find fillers for the next 16 days.

ill be counting.

and please dont respond with pity and stuff i dont need. i just needed to write this down. i dont need it.

i love him so much. i miss him. he tells me its boring but i bet its not. he is doing all this stuff and im doing nothing. i love him.

i want someone to tell me that they can tell me anything because they trust me enough not to think anything of them or even go run and tell people. i want someone to always be just a phone call away. i want someone mature enough to converse with me yet can get down and act like we're five. i dont think i have found the right person for the job, sadly. im sorry. no offensive but i feel like im butting into something so much greater than our relationship. i just envy you two. the bound you have and the friendship is so great it is overwelming. i guess i just felt that a break was needed between you two and i just stuck myself in there. i guess in some sort of a way i was a rebound. but like a lost puppy you found your way back home and you're happy again and i feel out of place but im okay with it. like im so happy that your happy that it doesn't even bother me. i dont know what im talking about anymore but i think you will. hopefully.

i dont want to grow up
no seriously.

stop getting embarrassed when i rub bbq sauce all over my face.
dont tell me to calm down.
who the fuck cares if everyone is staring, let them.
you dont know them.
you'll probably never see them again.
shut up, please.

im so down about growing up.
i know i dont have to yet but i feel like everyone expects me to be more mature now a days.
i hate it.
stop telling me that i need to act my age.
im five, im acting the right age, promise.

i want to see different people and do different thing.
im feeling too routine.
i feel lifeless.

come to my rescue.
but no one will. :}

everyi feel like phillip is always sneaking around my back.
is it just me being a over-protective dumb girlfriend being paranoid?
or is he?

i just dont know what to do.
i wish i could tell when he was lying or not.

---

just kidding, janeen talked to me and i've decided that its not possible and i love him and he loves me and stuff. and i love my best friend.

its been 6 months with the boy already.
time is flyin'.

this is my third period.
it seems alot better than english.